REMAIN ALERT: The taxing delay in posts...

Howdy rabble rousers,

We know that when we launched this site, we were going to aim to deliver cutting-edge product and viewpoints from all sorts of angles of the world. Talking heads zooming in from the stratosphere, delivering to you, America, their never-ending stream of conscious psychobabble for your cultural indigestion.

And then, we went away. For almost two weeks. We understand that this has upset you. But there are two reasons/excuses for this delay. First, the most pressing.

Something awful has happened to our corporate offices. Okay, fine- we don't have a corporate office. But we do rent some space above a doctor's office. Anyway, the editorial staff had been nailing down some of the finer points of Project X (more on this later), and they had spent most of the weekend of the 8th at the office, storyboar...ermmm, OUTLINING the concepts and future of the site. They all agreed to come in late on Monday as a reward for their weekend vigilance.

While we can't tell you what awaited them Monday Morning, we can give you a hint:

WE WERE BOMBED BY THE PRO-LIFE MOVEMENT!


That's our office, the corner 2nd floor. Turns out that the good Dr. Sanjay Gupta downstairs had been performing illegal abortions in the back of his office after hours. We wish his and his family the best, as they face the legal system, the insurance denials, and the almost-certain dosage of racial comedy.


Project X - this is big. We were able to pull something off. Something that will be documented in the next week or so, and this is the reason why we haven't posted any new columns (we haven't received any). You'll see...

Well we need to go sift thru the remains of our offices. We can't let Homeland Security see what we keep on our hard drives.


yours in chaos,
THE REMAIN ALERT EDITORIAL BOARD

PAGE: Craig's intsy-tinsy-winsy snafu

"Craig should be deported"
by Charleston Page
Fox News Channel


WASHINGTON D.C. - I'm sure by now you, like so many other wholesome Americans, have been disgusted by Sen. Larry Craig's scandalous past coming back nipping at his heels. We know he was arrested. We know that the arresting officer suspected lewd behavior in a Minneapolis airport. This is fact; I am not making this up. The Senator did not declare this judicial indiscretion to the Senate Sergeant at Arms, whom is supposed to hear out all alleged indecent behavior from our legislative branch's esteemed associates.

Homosexual behavior is disgusting. It's unnatural. It's unpractical. More importantly, it's illegal. Or at least it is in bathrooms. I dare ask the Senator from Idaho: do you know what "cruisin' " is? I bet he does. I bet he loves it.

It'd also be illegal everywhere if I had my way. I was once deeply ensconced within the ranks of the EZLN outside Guadalajara for an assignment for my illustrious news-media-organization. While trying some of the region's world famous enchiladas, I immediately discovered within me the desire and impulse to empty my bowels of their sacred relish and restore myself to previous peaks. Should I clarify? I got diarrhea. It was terrible. I will never eat there again!

Regardless and irrelevant. Anyway, I made my way to the ramshackle bathroom located outside the restaurant in a small wooded area. I locked the door behind me, dropped trow, and had a sit. A few moments later, nature brought good tidings my way; this was something unexpected and very welcome as I had not made it home for Christmas that year due to Hurricane Ernesto.

I scoured the floor for toilet paper, my self defiled, when I noticed a small hole in the wall of my outer abode. Through this hole came something so startling, so disturbing, so... well, I don't want to talk about it. But lets just say I was defaced, my character unpreserved, soul unnerved, broken. It was at this moment of decision and determination and homosexual ambiguity, here on the edge of the Mexican jungles, that my EZLN guide named Hector burst down the door and shoved his Kalashnikov in my face. With my pants around my ankles, he noticed the wire I had taped to my Harvard-educated gut. Little attention was paid to the penis at eye-level, the glory hole from hell.

That day, I saw the evil side of homosexuality. The dark seedy underbelly of gays that makes me want to vomit and defecate Enchiladas. It left a bad taste in my mouth; no pun intended. Is this who we want leading our country? Is this what we want making our laws? Is this what we voted for?

No, No, and NO. I vote Republican. I see things through. I don't leave until the party's over. However, we should thoroughly dissociate from Sen. Craig. This aversion to vagina, this statement of cross-the-aisle maneuvering, this masquerade of masculinity has gone on long enough. No gays in Congress, I say; the country is happy enough!
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Editors note: The opinions of Charleston Page do not represent that of REMAIN ALERT as an entity or its individual participants therein. Furthermore, the editors of REMAIN ALERT would like to offer a point-by-point retort to Page's comments.

1. Mr. Page, you do not work for Fox News.
2. Senators do not need to report their misconduct. Although, would you really be able to run for re-election without full disclosure?
3. We're fairly certain Mr. Page is a homophobe. His ridiculous comments, referring to homosexuality as "disgusting" is his own personal opinion.
4. According to Department of State officials, Mr. Page has never visited Mexico.
5. Mr. Page refers to Hurricane Ernesto as taking place years ago. However, at press time, it had only occurred less than 12 months previous. Furthermore, Ernesto would not have interfered with his Christmas plans as it took place in August.

KOYOTO: On malfeasance and teenage angst

With quivers she doth turn my temples
in the valley into domiciles of dirt upon the peaks
and slopes of her curved breasts where i lay my head
and break with the dawn.

To be young and Japanese and adopted and unloved
and understood by few and under duress from so many
of those naysayers who have never held my hand
or hers or anyone else's; they don't know my taste.

So real the colors, spot larking woo-ha.

MOLLOY: 4 things to remember when going back to college

'4 things to remember when going back to college'
by eric molloy
(all lowercase)

1. stay calm stay calm stay cool no sweaty palms have i brought that up already? no sweaty palms
2. girls subconsciously crave bad guys, so spend less time in the art studio working on senior thesis, titled 'my life in reverse' with photos of self nude covered in spagetti-o's
3. laundry is subjective
4. you're here to learn

REMAIN ALERT: Happy Labor Day

DUE TO THE HOLIDAY WEEKEND, THE NEXT REMAIN ALERT POSTS WILL BE UP TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4TH. ENJOY YOURSELVES. AND DO NOT WEAR WHITE ON TUESDAY, THAT IS A FAUX PAS.