Pastel Yellow Shirt
Catsup stained denim nightmare
Why don't you shower?
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
X: Aliens Done Tagged My Corn Fields!
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REMAIN ALERT: Ka-Kaw! Ka-Kaw!
As you may know by now Owen Wilson recently survived an attempted suicide.This is a sensitive issue for the staff of Remain Alert because our lives have also been touched by this particular tragedy.
However more importantly we are HUGE fucking Owen Wilson fans.
Owen Wilson's career thus far has been graced with a cornucopia of colorful and memorable characters, Hansel, Heat Vision, and Roy O' Bannon to name a few.
His signature schnoze and boyish charm along with a keen sense of comedic timing skyrocketed amidst the ranks of American comedy stardom.
However his true best work lies in his collaboration with long time friend Wes Anderson. Wilson is as large a factor in Anderson's films as Anderson himself. He is credited with having co-written Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, and The Royal Tenenbaum's. Wilson stands out amongst the tapestry of Anderson's characters the way Jesus sticks out amongst other messiahs.
We here at Remain Alert wish a speedy recovery for Mr. Wilson and eagerly await his next performance.
And for those who have been living in oblivion and may be unfamiliar with the works of Wilson-Anderson here's a little treat on us.
Monday, August 27, 2007
PAGE: Welcome to the free world, Cuba...
"Welcome to the free world, Cuba... now PAY UP!"
by Charleston Page
FOX NEWS CHANNEL
HAVANA, Cuba - Don't believe their lies. Fidel Castro died last Friday from complications from stomach surgery. Sorry Fido - serves you right for all that cigar chomping! Now that you're gone, and the world is set to grieve for a fat cat conspirator Commie turd for whom we have nothing but hatred and contempt, we can focus on other things. Namely, we can bring democracy, rock and roll, and American goods into the homes of Cubans everywhere. But first, its time for you to settle up your debt.
Cubans owe us. We tried and tried to kill the man, and even though we were unsuccessful, damnit if we didn't bring a little hope into their hearts. After all, Commies are terrified of only two things: Rocky Balboa and hope. So, I think a little gratitude is in order. Not to mention a little thing called the Bay of Pigs invasion. 6 American pilots lost their lives trying to liberate those cigar-loving comrades from the chains they so eagerly embraced. That will teach you for going into league with the Soviets!
Once Cubans can get over themselves and embrace our Democracy whole-heartedly, and they start wearing red-white-and-blue, then we can move in and get to business. Ford cars! Old Navy cargo shorts! Halliburton pre-made meals! All for moderate and competitive prices! I'm going to open a Starbucks in Havana, and put my feet up on the counter while my Chicano compadres make me a Moccachino. And don't worry about the feet on the counter - Cubans don't care about hygiene.
In parting, Fidel Castro is gone, good riddance. One less Communist fashionista is one less pain in my back. And yours.
---------------------------------------------------
Editors note: The opinions of Charleston Page do not represent that of REMAIN ALERT as an entity or its individual participants therein. Furthermore, the editors of REMAIN ALERT would like to offer a point-by-point retort to Page's comments.
1. Mr. Page, you do not work for Fox News.
2. Blaring error #2: Fidel Castro is in fact not dead.
3. We're pretty sure Cubans do not fear Rocky Balboa, as Rocky is a fictional character created and embodied by Sylvester Stallone.
4. True, 6 pilots of the USAF died during the Bay of Pigs Invasion. So did 800 Cuban revolutionaries who supposedly had the support of the US's Clandestine service. Not to mention the 1300 prisoners that rotted in Cuban prisons for 30 years.
5. Cubans do not appreciate their coffee served with a helping of feet.
6. How Fidel Castro ranks as a "fashionista" when all he wears is jungle fatigues is a fact that REMAIN ALERT cannot understand. Would Mr. Page care to elaborate?
7. Castro was never a pain in America's side. As a matter of fact, according to fmr. Secretary of Defense Robert S. McNamara, he didn't want Soviet assistance in any way, let alone hold their WMDs for them. Cuba's in-league involvements with the Soviet Union was largely a point of contention and intimidation by the Kremlin.
by Charleston Page
FOX NEWS CHANNEL
HAVANA, Cuba - Don't believe their lies. Fidel Castro died last Friday from complications from stomach surgery. Sorry Fido - serves you right for all that cigar chomping! Now that you're gone, and the world is set to grieve for a fat cat conspirator Commie turd for whom we have nothing but hatred and contempt, we can focus on other things. Namely, we can bring democracy, rock and roll, and American goods into the homes of Cubans everywhere. But first, its time for you to settle up your debt.
Cubans owe us. We tried and tried to kill the man, and even though we were unsuccessful, damnit if we didn't bring a little hope into their hearts. After all, Commies are terrified of only two things: Rocky Balboa and hope. So, I think a little gratitude is in order. Not to mention a little thing called the Bay of Pigs invasion. 6 American pilots lost their lives trying to liberate those cigar-loving comrades from the chains they so eagerly embraced. That will teach you for going into league with the Soviets!
Once Cubans can get over themselves and embrace our Democracy whole-heartedly, and they start wearing red-white-and-blue, then we can move in and get to business. Ford cars! Old Navy cargo shorts! Halliburton pre-made meals! All for moderate and competitive prices! I'm going to open a Starbucks in Havana, and put my feet up on the counter while my Chicano compadres make me a Moccachino. And don't worry about the feet on the counter - Cubans don't care about hygiene.
In parting, Fidel Castro is gone, good riddance. One less Communist fashionista is one less pain in my back. And yours.
---------------------------------------------------
Editors note: The opinions of Charleston Page do not represent that of REMAIN ALERT as an entity or its individual participants therein. Furthermore, the editors of REMAIN ALERT would like to offer a point-by-point retort to Page's comments.
1. Mr. Page, you do not work for Fox News.
2. Blaring error #2: Fidel Castro is in fact not dead.
3. We're pretty sure Cubans do not fear Rocky Balboa, as Rocky is a fictional character created and embodied by Sylvester Stallone.
4. True, 6 pilots of the USAF died during the Bay of Pigs Invasion. So did 800 Cuban revolutionaries who supposedly had the support of the US's Clandestine service. Not to mention the 1300 prisoners that rotted in Cuban prisons for 30 years.
5. Cubans do not appreciate their coffee served with a helping of feet.
6. How Fidel Castro ranks as a "fashionista" when all he wears is jungle fatigues is a fact that REMAIN ALERT cannot understand. Would Mr. Page care to elaborate?
7. Castro was never a pain in America's side. As a matter of fact, according to fmr. Secretary of Defense Robert S. McNamara, he didn't want Soviet assistance in any way, let alone hold their WMDs for them. Cuba's in-league involvements with the Soviet Union was largely a point of contention and intimidation by the Kremlin.
MOLLOY: Things I learned in high school.
'Things I learned in high school': a list
by eric molloy
1. sweaty palms = bad
2. toilet water is surprisingly not bad for you, and tastes the same as tap.
3. cheerleaders are evil orcs
4. led zeppelin rocks!
5. the right amount of tongue in a french kiss is never right.
6. as a matter of fact, i might like boys.
7. ...but not the ones that made me drink toilet water.
by eric molloy
1. sweaty palms = bad
2. toilet water is surprisingly not bad for you, and tastes the same as tap.
3. cheerleaders are evil orcs
4. led zeppelin rocks!
5. the right amount of tongue in a french kiss is never right.
6. as a matter of fact, i might like boys.
7. ...but not the ones that made me drink toilet water.
ROSENFELD: Hi internet readers!
Esther Rosenfeld is an 86-year old Jewish lady from Bed-Stuy, a community within Brooklyn, NY. As her neighborhood has declined throughout the years with the introduction of drugs and gangland affairs, she has remained steadfast in her ideals and her love for her home. In her weekly REMAIN ALERT blog, she comments from her arm-chair on the state of the world around her as seen from her window, her television, and her subscription to the New York Times. These are the transcripts of the audio-tapes she is sending to our offices.
Is this thing on? I can't remember what David said, there's a green light. Hello? How am I supposed to know if this is on? Oy-vey. David? DAVID!? "It's on, mom." Are you sure? How can you tell? "The button's pushed down." Okay.
Greetings! My name is Esther Rosenfeld and I am a new writing feature on this web site. I am 86 years old and I reside in Brooklyn, New York. I've lived here my whole life with my husband Meyer, god rest his soul, he was taken before his time. Anyway, I'm going to be talking about the week's events and about happenings in my life as well. This internet blog, is it blog? I have no idea, kids these days, but I'm new to it. I have never used a computer and my son David will be typing these things. The closest I've ever let myself get is an adding machine I used to have when I worked on the 70th floor of the Empire State Building. The year was 1944 if you can believe it! The airplanes, wow, they looked so big up -
Tape ends abruptly.
Is this thing on? I can't remember what David said, there's a green light. Hello? How am I supposed to know if this is on? Oy-vey. David? DAVID!? "It's on, mom." Are you sure? How can you tell? "The button's pushed down." Okay.
Greetings! My name is Esther Rosenfeld and I am a new writing feature on this web site. I am 86 years old and I reside in Brooklyn, New York. I've lived here my whole life with my husband Meyer, god rest his soul, he was taken before his time. Anyway, I'm going to be talking about the week's events and about happenings in my life as well. This internet blog, is it blog? I have no idea, kids these days, but I'm new to it. I have never used a computer and my son David will be typing these things. The closest I've ever let myself get is an adding machine I used to have when I worked on the 70th floor of the Empire State Building. The year was 1944 if you can believe it! The airplanes, wow, they looked so big up -
Tape ends abruptly.
Friday, August 24, 2007
X: What'd you say about my Mother Ship?
Not much is known of the mysterious "X". His contributions to Remain Alert are sporadic and each email is sent via a different IP address. Editors will receive a story from El Paso and 3 hours later another story will come from within Dubai in the Arab Emerates. His commitment to the paranormal borders on fanatical and he oftentimes exhibits xenophobic tendencies (only towards terrestrial foreigners) in his ravings.
Attention fellow hominid's!!
By now you are all aware of the BIGGEST STORY IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE! That has hit every major news outlet including Digg, Break, and of course UFOMystic.
The following video was posted on Youtube several days ago affirming the fact that I and drones of my enlightened brethren held to be THE COLD HARD TRUTH.
Attention fellow hominid's!!
By now you are all aware of the BIGGEST STORY IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE! That has hit every major news outlet including Digg, Break, and of course UFOMystic.
The following video was posted on Youtube several days ago affirming the fact that I and drones of my enlightened brethren held to be THE COLD HARD TRUTH.
UFO'S ARE REAL.
In preparation of the arrival of our galactic overlords I have sold off all of my earthly possessions (save my Babylon 5 DVD set) and am using my remaining savings to purchase a trip to Haiti.
It is my hope to become some sort of Herald or human farmer.
Or in a more optimistic outlook perhaps I can participate in some sort of inter-planetary exchange program, sort of like Roy Neary at the end of Close Encounters or the old folks in Cocoon.
Peace out Bitches! I'm off to Zeta Reticuli!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
DOMI: My hands are blistered and glorious
"Ty Domi" is a pen-name of a 24 year old man from New York City. Mr. Domi, until recently, was a chubby man. A man of vice and excess. However, one 2-hour-surgery changed all that. Ty Domi is now 100lbs skinnier and is viewing the world thru completely different eyes. In this, his first of a weekly blog on REMAIN ALERT, he takes a look at the place men have taken in our world in a theory he calls "the glass floor."
Can someone please explain to me what happened to masculinity? I don't want this to be confused with another word that begins with M - "maturity". I'm talking about manhood, that celebration of certain inherent traits that we are born with. OR, should I say "used" to be born with. I'm seeing more and more today that the shelter and security of being a true man is disappearing.
Now, as a disclaimer, please allow me to say that while i say that the truth of masculinity is disappearing, I do not mean to impede on homosexuality at all. You shall see what I mean a little bit further down the page...
In the 50s, there was Frank Sinatra. Here was a man! Politically connected, handsome, a talented singer... all true. Elegantly wasted at all times (or wasted elegance if you ask my grandmother), here was a man that had charisma and a swagger that was undeniably male. He wasn't a girlie man by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, he wore make up and sang, but the guy was less an entertainer and more of a gang leader. The Rat Pack - a blessing and a curse; a blessing because they were a gift to American entertainment, but a curse because too much testosterone in one place... the beginning of the end.
In the 60s, we had movie stars and singers. I focus on Steve McQueen. This man might possibly be my idol. Stone cold fella, McQueen was a race car driver, a stunt man, a ruggedly handsome man. When starring in The Towering Inferno with Paul Newman, there is a story of the poster for the film. Paul Newman wanted top billing, but McQueen was getting the push from the studio (because obviously, he was the man of the film). Sitting down in a meeting, agents and managers were fighting. McQueen stood up and told the room, "Go ahead and put that nancy up top. Who gives a shit about movies anyway?"
In the 80s, we had a fictional character that best exemplified manhood. Sonny Crockett drove a fast car, was an All-American athlete, set trends, and even had an ALLIGATOR for a pet at his house, which was a HOUSEBOAT! Unwilling to allow the "no man is an island" line get past him, Crockett proved that he WASN'T an island... he was a boat. His style was more made up than McQueen, but at the same time, was there ever any thought that he wasn't a man? Never. His relationship with Rita showed that even a man's man can be vulnerable and insecure, but when Crockett wasn't sharing a bed with hotties, he was cracking heads and being a man. Calderone had no chance.
In the 90s, the REAL slide began. Who did we have to call a man's man in the 1990s? Brad Pitt. Nothing against Mr. Jolie, but the guy made his name through his pretty boy face. "Ooooh, there's fire in his eyes." No there isn't. What you're seeing is dollar signs. Brad Pitt has started to turn himself around through his associations with a certain Mr. Clooney, but he's still a questionable character. Can you truly trust a man in underwear advertisements? Sure, his doctor knows he's male, but is he a man? Time shall tell.
These days, metrosexualism has taken over. It's okay to get pedicures. It's alright to wear eyeliner. A tone base never hurt anyone. Hair product is a must. Tight pants are all the rage. This is simply unacceptable.
- MEN wear loose pants because the python within needs room to breathe.
- MEN do not get penis envy, or feel insecure in their jock size, because a MAN knows he's going to pleasure the shit out of someone with his member.
- MEN don't need to style their hair because a MAN's hair should be short, not like some surfer dude.
- MEN don't wear eyeliner... only women and confused teenagers do.
- MEN don't get manicures because their hands are broken from handling nails and wood and large automobiles and wrestling bears.
Some men are trying to take it back for all of us. George Clooney is my personal hero. A writer and an actor, Clooney has taken the money he shamelessly made on fun, plotless Ocean's movies and put it towards thought-provoking political films (harkening back to the 1970s, the era when man was legend). He wears his grey proudly. He dresses like a Kennedy, and he carries himself like one too. He is above tabloid fodder and regularly makes fun of himself in public (see his "South Park" associations for further proof). He handles his own publicity. That's right, men don't need publicists. OUR fathers told us to stand up for ourselves and fight our own wars.
Vince Vaughan is another, although he also fits into the "man-slob" subcategory. Robert Downey Jr. Christian Bale. That brooding guy from The O.C. These are men. And I dare say, Anderson Cooper.
Anderson Cooper is gay. Is there any denying it? He's gone on dates with men. He works out at David Barton Gym. He has a vast interest in musical theater and art. However, Anderson Cooper has never publicly spoken about his sexuality. Why is that? Because men don't gossip, EVEN IF that man makes out with other men.
And so, I live my life. I appreciate the finer pleasures of life, but I keep things manly. I like wine, but I couldn't tell you what the "texture" is. I have a cleaning lady, but she basically just dusts - no handling of my unmentionables and I can clean up after myself. I appreciate style and fashion, but I focus on comfort and not on fashion credibility. If you can do both, then good. Men of the world - shape up! This slide into prissiness must stop somewhere. Let us draw that line now.
Can someone please explain to me what happened to masculinity? I don't want this to be confused with another word that begins with M - "maturity". I'm talking about manhood, that celebration of certain inherent traits that we are born with. OR, should I say "used" to be born with. I'm seeing more and more today that the shelter and security of being a true man is disappearing.
Now, as a disclaimer, please allow me to say that while i say that the truth of masculinity is disappearing, I do not mean to impede on homosexuality at all. You shall see what I mean a little bit further down the page...
In the 50s, there was Frank Sinatra. Here was a man! Politically connected, handsome, a talented singer... all true. Elegantly wasted at all times (or wasted elegance if you ask my grandmother), here was a man that had charisma and a swagger that was undeniably male. He wasn't a girlie man by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, he wore make up and sang, but the guy was less an entertainer and more of a gang leader. The Rat Pack - a blessing and a curse; a blessing because they were a gift to American entertainment, but a curse because too much testosterone in one place... the beginning of the end.
In the 60s, we had movie stars and singers. I focus on Steve McQueen. This man might possibly be my idol. Stone cold fella, McQueen was a race car driver, a stunt man, a ruggedly handsome man. When starring in The Towering Inferno with Paul Newman, there is a story of the poster for the film. Paul Newman wanted top billing, but McQueen was getting the push from the studio (because obviously, he was the man of the film). Sitting down in a meeting, agents and managers were fighting. McQueen stood up and told the room, "Go ahead and put that nancy up top. Who gives a shit about movies anyway?"
In the 80s, we had a fictional character that best exemplified manhood. Sonny Crockett drove a fast car, was an All-American athlete, set trends, and even had an ALLIGATOR for a pet at his house, which was a HOUSEBOAT! Unwilling to allow the "no man is an island" line get past him, Crockett proved that he WASN'T an island... he was a boat. His style was more made up than McQueen, but at the same time, was there ever any thought that he wasn't a man? Never. His relationship with Rita showed that even a man's man can be vulnerable and insecure, but when Crockett wasn't sharing a bed with hotties, he was cracking heads and being a man. Calderone had no chance.
In the 90s, the REAL slide began. Who did we have to call a man's man in the 1990s? Brad Pitt. Nothing against Mr. Jolie, but the guy made his name through his pretty boy face. "Ooooh, there's fire in his eyes." No there isn't. What you're seeing is dollar signs. Brad Pitt has started to turn himself around through his associations with a certain Mr. Clooney, but he's still a questionable character. Can you truly trust a man in underwear advertisements? Sure, his doctor knows he's male, but is he a man? Time shall tell.
These days, metrosexualism has taken over. It's okay to get pedicures. It's alright to wear eyeliner. A tone base never hurt anyone. Hair product is a must. Tight pants are all the rage. This is simply unacceptable.
- MEN wear loose pants because the python within needs room to breathe.
- MEN do not get penis envy, or feel insecure in their jock size, because a MAN knows he's going to pleasure the shit out of someone with his member.
- MEN don't need to style their hair because a MAN's hair should be short, not like some surfer dude.
- MEN don't wear eyeliner... only women and confused teenagers do.
- MEN don't get manicures because their hands are broken from handling nails and wood and large automobiles and wrestling bears.
Some men are trying to take it back for all of us. George Clooney is my personal hero. A writer and an actor, Clooney has taken the money he shamelessly made on fun, plotless Ocean's movies and put it towards thought-provoking political films (harkening back to the 1970s, the era when man was legend). He wears his grey proudly. He dresses like a Kennedy, and he carries himself like one too. He is above tabloid fodder and regularly makes fun of himself in public (see his "South Park" associations for further proof). He handles his own publicity. That's right, men don't need publicists. OUR fathers told us to stand up for ourselves and fight our own wars.
Vince Vaughan is another, although he also fits into the "man-slob" subcategory. Robert Downey Jr. Christian Bale. That brooding guy from The O.C. These are men. And I dare say, Anderson Cooper.
Anderson Cooper is gay. Is there any denying it? He's gone on dates with men. He works out at David Barton Gym. He has a vast interest in musical theater and art. However, Anderson Cooper has never publicly spoken about his sexuality. Why is that? Because men don't gossip, EVEN IF that man makes out with other men.
And so, I live my life. I appreciate the finer pleasures of life, but I keep things manly. I like wine, but I couldn't tell you what the "texture" is. I have a cleaning lady, but she basically just dusts - no handling of my unmentionables and I can clean up after myself. I appreciate style and fashion, but I focus on comfort and not on fashion credibility. If you can do both, then good. Men of the world - shape up! This slide into prissiness must stop somewhere. Let us draw that line now.
MOLLOY: Things not to mention on a first date
Eric Molloy is a post-irony, pre-Millennial, post-X'er, pre-ego. He currently lives in Tribeca, NYC in a loft with four other arty-types. He recently graduated from NYU undergrad, but has absolutely no interest/drive to do anything with a $120K education. Aside from being a regular contributor to McSweeney's Internet Tendancy, he is starting a weekly (sometimes more often due to his increasingly empty schedule) blog here at REMAIN ALERT to show us that it is WE who define the lists, not the other way around.
'Things not to mention on a first date'
by eric molloy
(lowercase)
1. I didn't brush my teeth last week.
2. I masturbate to Jodie Sweeten on "Full House" reruns on Nick at Nite.
3. I killed a man in Reno once...
4. I don't like sushi.
5. I sometimes poop in my pants and act like nothing happened, so as to make it a game. GAME ON.
6. I eat my own skin after I peel.
7. I have a blog.
'Things not to mention on a first date'
by eric molloy
(lowercase)
1. I didn't brush my teeth last week.
2. I masturbate to Jodie Sweeten on "Full House" reruns on Nick at Nite.
3. I killed a man in Reno once...
4. I don't like sushi.
5. I sometimes poop in my pants and act like nothing happened, so as to make it a game. GAME ON.
6. I eat my own skin after I peel.
7. I have a blog.
TRIDENT: Prime Alabama Black.
D. Trident or oftentimes credited as simply TRIDENT is an up and coming Adult Video Superstar.
He made a name for himself on the amateur website circuit as a "BULL" specializing in cuckold videos. His impressive girth and ferocity have made him a pornography darling and hot commodity. He is currently finishing up his first year on a two year contract with the BangWorld.com conglomerate. His semi-weekly blog on REMAIN ALERT will be a rarely seen look into the world of porn, thru the eyes of one of its true "renaissance men."
4 AM Call.
I'm holding a wet paper towel on my cock, and some queer PA can't take his eyes off it.
I finished my first scene.
A 2-on-1 with this couple of teen skanks from Miami, They're currently blowing an 8 ball and the director while the grips set up lighting for the next shot.
I got one more scene with a ghetto baby, Chalice. She's been around for a bit and got the sweet pussy with some fat lips that I can't wait to see bottom out on my pubic hair. She just finished a video with my boy Lex Steel.
I'll have show this snatch my A game.
My agent's calling again probably with another club offer. When will this mother fucker learn I ain't dancing at no club for horny overweight white trash?
TRIDENT does not dance he Fucks.
He made a name for himself on the amateur website circuit as a "BULL" specializing in cuckold videos. His impressive girth and ferocity have made him a pornography darling and hot commodity. He is currently finishing up his first year on a two year contract with the BangWorld.com conglomerate. His semi-weekly blog on REMAIN ALERT will be a rarely seen look into the world of porn, thru the eyes of one of its true "renaissance men."
4 AM Call.
I'm holding a wet paper towel on my cock, and some queer PA can't take his eyes off it.
I finished my first scene.
A 2-on-1 with this couple of teen skanks from Miami, They're currently blowing an 8 ball and the director while the grips set up lighting for the next shot.
I'm seriously considering sticking it in the ass of the brunette. That fucking bitch nicked my nutsac on her braces. She's not getting paid for anal but that shit looks tight.
I got one more scene with a ghetto baby, Chalice. She's been around for a bit and got the sweet pussy with some fat lips that I can't wait to see bottom out on my pubic hair. She just finished a video with my boy Lex Steel.
I'll have show this snatch my A game.
My agent's calling again probably with another club offer. When will this mother fucker learn I ain't dancing at no club for horny overweight white trash?
TRIDENT does not dance he Fucks.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
KOYOTO: 'In awe of my valley.'
Kim Koyoto is a 15 year old Japanese-American girl from Sherman Oaks, California. Not the most popular girl in her class or the most beautiful, she expresses her inner thoughts through poetry and diary entries. She has recently come out of the closet with her parents as a lesbian, and has had several "domestic partners" already. In this, her first entry on a semi-weekly REMAIN ALERT blog, she examines herself thru the eyes of a past love.
I may never know...
do you think of
my vagina?
PAGE: Good riddance, Elvira
Charleston Page is an award-nominated journalist who has seen his work represented in such esteemed outlets as the Washington Times, WorldNetDaily, and Red States Propagandi. For several weeks in 2004, he was an on-air personality for Fox News Channel. In October of 2004, Page was released from his contract with News Corp after inciting a race riot and firing a weapon while immersed in Iraq. Now, 3 years later, Page returns to the frontiers of extreme journalism with his semi-weekly online blog at REMAIN ALERT.
I cannot tell you the emotion I felt when I heard Elvira Arellano was back in her miserable shit-box country. It might have been euphoria. It could have been immense pride that our civilian framework was back to working. It might have been disgust. But certainly, we all felt a little relieved!
Ever since GW declared it hunting season on illegals, I had been waiting for one of these martyrs to be discovered. Personally, I had suspected it might be the woman with Forest Whitaker at that immigration rally who lets her cell phone disrupt the crowd. I think she was really indicative of an immigrants belief structure: that THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO THEM!
Why can't they just fly here like normal people? Why must they sneak across the desert? What are they hiding under those ponchos? I'm no racist, but at the same time, I'm no Clinton either. If you think I'm going to roll over while Mexico overruns prime oiling territory, you are DEAD WRONG.
I also read that Ms. Arellano was an airplane employee! WHAT?! She was trusted with access to our airports, behind the scenes at the very epicenters of terrorism in the US! How could we allow this to happen? Where was Chertoff? If this is allowed to happen, god only knows what else! One minute, you've got Elvira vacuuming the rugs, and the next, FULL BLOWN AL-QAEDA CELLS ARE MAKING YOUR VEGETARIAN BURRITO! Read up, ladies and germs - it can happen!
I guess you could say I'm being harsh; perhaps, my words are far more suited for a Hitler rally than a public opinion blog. However you cut it, this situation is dire. Late last fall, when participating at a Town Hall on campus at Bob Jones University, a student put me on the spot. So I let him have it. Take a gander.
"Mr. Page, how can you call yourself an upstanding Christian when you are so adamant in your denials of your neighbor?"
"Son, do you really expect me to believe that Mexicans believe in God?"
They don't.
And that is a fact.
1 down, 12 million to go.
---------------------------------------------------
Editors note: The opinions of Charleston Page do not represent that of REMAIN ALERT as an entity or its individual participants therein. Furthermore, the editors of REMAIN ALERT would like to offer a post-by-post retort to Page's comments. Fox News was never our favorite cable channel (that would be Cinemax weekends during a Walking Tall marathon), nor our source of day-to-day happenings (that would be hearsay).
1. Mexico is anything but a shit-box country. It is beautiful, as are it's residents.
2. The Forest Whitaker reference is a commercial played before motion pictures telling audiences to silence their phones during the film. It is not an immigration rally, but a public service announcement from the people at AT&T. All participants were actors.
3. Mexicans believe in God, probably the same God that Mr. Page believes in. It is one of the largest Roman Catholic countries in the world. However there is still a contingent of Natives whom await the return of Tepeu.
4. Phone calls placed to Bob Jones University Public Relations department have turned up zero evidence that Mr. Page spoke there recently, and in fact, one representative (anonymously) referred to him as a "twisted, racist, self-serving assclown."
I cannot tell you the emotion I felt when I heard Elvira Arellano was back in her miserable shit-box country. It might have been euphoria. It could have been immense pride that our civilian framework was back to working. It might have been disgust. But certainly, we all felt a little relieved!
Ever since GW declared it hunting season on illegals, I had been waiting for one of these martyrs to be discovered. Personally, I had suspected it might be the woman with Forest Whitaker at that immigration rally who lets her cell phone disrupt the crowd. I think she was really indicative of an immigrants belief structure: that THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO THEM!
Why can't they just fly here like normal people? Why must they sneak across the desert? What are they hiding under those ponchos? I'm no racist, but at the same time, I'm no Clinton either. If you think I'm going to roll over while Mexico overruns prime oiling territory, you are DEAD WRONG.
I also read that Ms. Arellano was an airplane employee! WHAT?! She was trusted with access to our airports, behind the scenes at the very epicenters of terrorism in the US! How could we allow this to happen? Where was Chertoff? If this is allowed to happen, god only knows what else! One minute, you've got Elvira vacuuming the rugs, and the next, FULL BLOWN AL-QAEDA CELLS ARE MAKING YOUR VEGETARIAN BURRITO! Read up, ladies and germs - it can happen!
I guess you could say I'm being harsh; perhaps, my words are far more suited for a Hitler rally than a public opinion blog. However you cut it, this situation is dire. Late last fall, when participating at a Town Hall on campus at Bob Jones University, a student put me on the spot. So I let him have it. Take a gander.
"Mr. Page, how can you call yourself an upstanding Christian when you are so adamant in your denials of your neighbor?"
"Son, do you really expect me to believe that Mexicans believe in God?"
They don't.
And that is a fact.
1 down, 12 million to go.
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Editors note: The opinions of Charleston Page do not represent that of REMAIN ALERT as an entity or its individual participants therein. Furthermore, the editors of REMAIN ALERT would like to offer a post-by-post retort to Page's comments. Fox News was never our favorite cable channel (that would be Cinemax weekends during a Walking Tall marathon), nor our source of day-to-day happenings (that would be hearsay).
1. Mexico is anything but a shit-box country. It is beautiful, as are it's residents.
2. The Forest Whitaker reference is a commercial played before motion pictures telling audiences to silence their phones during the film. It is not an immigration rally, but a public service announcement from the people at AT&T. All participants were actors.
3. Mexicans believe in God, probably the same God that Mr. Page believes in. It is one of the largest Roman Catholic countries in the world. However there is still a contingent of Natives whom await the return of Tepeu.
4. Phone calls placed to Bob Jones University Public Relations department have turned up zero evidence that Mr. Page spoke there recently, and in fact, one representative (anonymously) referred to him as a "twisted, racist, self-serving assclown."
REMAIN ALERT: day 1; indeterminate failure
Greetings and salutations, Internet blowhards!
If you are reading this, you may have come here by accident. However, there's a slightly good chance that you are here for a reason, and if you are one of these people, then WELCOME to REMAIN ALERT.
Borne in a period of utter darkness and desolation amidst the season of sexual violence, REMAIN ALERT serves its purpose as a channel for writers of various lineage and blood purity to share their thoughts on just about, well, anything. Too often, the pulpit afforded us by the First Amendment is bludgeoned by idiots, like sturgeon ripe for the feast. Nancy Grace, Stephen Colbert, Ann Coulter, Thomas Friedman - the one thing these very different people have in common is that they are preaching to the converted; voices without a desire to sway opinion or promote healthy, intelligent discourse.
And neither do we. If you want that heavy handed jargoning, go elsewhere. There is no agenda. There is no order; the chaotic nature of the world we live in does not allow for such wishful thinking. Instead, there are movie reviews from functioning alcoholics, op-ed pieces from divorced grandmothers, haiku's from melodramatic teenagers, and the occassional political commentary from one or two potential revolutionaries.
So enjoy yourselves. Get into it. And please comment. After all, the only worthwhile conversation is the one going both ways.
Now, allow us to introduce our semi-weekly Columns (at the time of launch... these articles are subject to be dropped and/or added to as the circulation enlarges and contributions increase):
HOLD MY BEER by Ty Domi
a comical jaunt through the life and times of a reformed fat boy
LOVE IS A CREAMPIE by TRIDENT
comments and conclusions from the Valley's foremost "Gonzo pornographer"
WAR REPORT by The Remain Alert Editorial Team
BREAKFAST IN BED by Jeanette Rosenfeld
an 86-year-old from Bed Stuy recounts the excitement of her weekend and reviews the Sunday Times
RACKING FOCUS by Fat Ghoulardi
the latest on the cinematic sked from a Hollywood insider
EXCUSE ME WHILE MY HEART BREAKS by Kim Koyoto
a view into the head of a pubescent Japanese lesbian
LISTS by Eric Molloy
some amusing lists from a man with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
PEOPLE AND THINGS WE SHOULD BLOW UP by Charleston Page
the questions and concerns of a disgraced Fox News journalist
PROJECT BLUE CLIFF NOTES by X
Stories of the bizarre, paranormal, and lucid from Remain Alert's own Deep Throat
If you are reading this, you may have come here by accident. However, there's a slightly good chance that you are here for a reason, and if you are one of these people, then WELCOME to REMAIN ALERT.
Borne in a period of utter darkness and desolation amidst the season of sexual violence, REMAIN ALERT serves its purpose as a channel for writers of various lineage and blood purity to share their thoughts on just about, well, anything. Too often, the pulpit afforded us by the First Amendment is bludgeoned by idiots, like sturgeon ripe for the feast. Nancy Grace, Stephen Colbert, Ann Coulter, Thomas Friedman - the one thing these very different people have in common is that they are preaching to the converted; voices without a desire to sway opinion or promote healthy, intelligent discourse.
And neither do we. If you want that heavy handed jargoning, go elsewhere. There is no agenda. There is no order; the chaotic nature of the world we live in does not allow for such wishful thinking. Instead, there are movie reviews from functioning alcoholics, op-ed pieces from divorced grandmothers, haiku's from melodramatic teenagers, and the occassional political commentary from one or two potential revolutionaries.
So enjoy yourselves. Get into it. And please comment. After all, the only worthwhile conversation is the one going both ways.
Now, allow us to introduce our semi-weekly Columns (at the time of launch... these articles are subject to be dropped and/or added to as the circulation enlarges and contributions increase):
HOLD MY BEER by Ty Domi
a comical jaunt through the life and times of a reformed fat boy
LOVE IS A CREAMPIE by TRIDENT
comments and conclusions from the Valley's foremost "Gonzo pornographer"
WAR REPORT by The Remain Alert Editorial Team
BREAKFAST IN BED by Jeanette Rosenfeld
an 86-year-old from Bed Stuy recounts the excitement of her weekend and reviews the Sunday Times
RACKING FOCUS by Fat Ghoulardi
the latest on the cinematic sked from a Hollywood insider
EXCUSE ME WHILE MY HEART BREAKS by Kim Koyoto
a view into the head of a pubescent Japanese lesbian
LISTS by Eric Molloy
some amusing lists from a man with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
PEOPLE AND THINGS WE SHOULD BLOW UP by Charleston Page
the questions and concerns of a disgraced Fox News journalist
PROJECT BLUE CLIFF NOTES by X
Stories of the bizarre, paranormal, and lucid from Remain Alert's own Deep Throat
This is without mentioning the top-secret Project X, slated for T-minus 28 days and counting. We can't say anything about this, at all. Except that it's going to be massive, and life affirming, and potentially dangerous. All at once. Enough talk; I've said too much.
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
-
REMAIN ALERT Intelligentsia
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