PAGE: Craig's intsy-tinsy-winsy snafu

"Craig should be deported"
by Charleston Page
Fox News Channel


WASHINGTON D.C. - I'm sure by now you, like so many other wholesome Americans, have been disgusted by Sen. Larry Craig's scandalous past coming back nipping at his heels. We know he was arrested. We know that the arresting officer suspected lewd behavior in a Minneapolis airport. This is fact; I am not making this up. The Senator did not declare this judicial indiscretion to the Senate Sergeant at Arms, whom is supposed to hear out all alleged indecent behavior from our legislative branch's esteemed associates.

Homosexual behavior is disgusting. It's unnatural. It's unpractical. More importantly, it's illegal. Or at least it is in bathrooms. I dare ask the Senator from Idaho: do you know what "cruisin' " is? I bet he does. I bet he loves it.

It'd also be illegal everywhere if I had my way. I was once deeply ensconced within the ranks of the EZLN outside Guadalajara for an assignment for my illustrious news-media-organization. While trying some of the region's world famous enchiladas, I immediately discovered within me the desire and impulse to empty my bowels of their sacred relish and restore myself to previous peaks. Should I clarify? I got diarrhea. It was terrible. I will never eat there again!

Regardless and irrelevant. Anyway, I made my way to the ramshackle bathroom located outside the restaurant in a small wooded area. I locked the door behind me, dropped trow, and had a sit. A few moments later, nature brought good tidings my way; this was something unexpected and very welcome as I had not made it home for Christmas that year due to Hurricane Ernesto.

I scoured the floor for toilet paper, my self defiled, when I noticed a small hole in the wall of my outer abode. Through this hole came something so startling, so disturbing, so... well, I don't want to talk about it. But lets just say I was defaced, my character unpreserved, soul unnerved, broken. It was at this moment of decision and determination and homosexual ambiguity, here on the edge of the Mexican jungles, that my EZLN guide named Hector burst down the door and shoved his Kalashnikov in my face. With my pants around my ankles, he noticed the wire I had taped to my Harvard-educated gut. Little attention was paid to the penis at eye-level, the glory hole from hell.

That day, I saw the evil side of homosexuality. The dark seedy underbelly of gays that makes me want to vomit and defecate Enchiladas. It left a bad taste in my mouth; no pun intended. Is this who we want leading our country? Is this what we want making our laws? Is this what we voted for?

No, No, and NO. I vote Republican. I see things through. I don't leave until the party's over. However, we should thoroughly dissociate from Sen. Craig. This aversion to vagina, this statement of cross-the-aisle maneuvering, this masquerade of masculinity has gone on long enough. No gays in Congress, I say; the country is happy enough!
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Editors note: The opinions of Charleston Page do not represent that of REMAIN ALERT as an entity or its individual participants therein. Furthermore, the editors of REMAIN ALERT would like to offer a point-by-point retort to Page's comments.

1. Mr. Page, you do not work for Fox News.
2. Senators do not need to report their misconduct. Although, would you really be able to run for re-election without full disclosure?
3. We're fairly certain Mr. Page is a homophobe. His ridiculous comments, referring to homosexuality as "disgusting" is his own personal opinion.
4. According to Department of State officials, Mr. Page has never visited Mexico.
5. Mr. Page refers to Hurricane Ernesto as taking place years ago. However, at press time, it had only occurred less than 12 months previous. Furthermore, Ernesto would not have interfered with his Christmas plans as it took place in August.